Introducing Kelsey Celeste Jones [Ms. Jones was not present to produce a specially-written post, rather her post was written on May 19, 2009.] Please enjoy.
"Sometimes I feel like my privacy has been invaded in the form of my ipod in your hands. There is nothing more humiliating (perhaps I exaggerate) than having your iPod kifed from your hands and placed in the hands of an evil, non-Beyonce-loving, judgmental music Nazi or pretty much anyone else for that matter. It's like taking a baby from a mother, candy from a child, Sunchips from a 22 year old fake blonde, high heels from Posh Spice,
a glove from OJ Simpson, a pretzel from George W. Bush, Angela from Dwight, a cell phone from a middle-schooler, or a planner from a BYU dweeb. Looking through someone else's ipod playlists is sometimes like reading their diary, searching through their underwear drawer, reading their text over their shoulder, looking at the scale when they're on it, or walking in on them dancing in a pair of the underwear you already searched through while they're singing and dancing to MmmBop, only to record the personal and private dance session on your phone, wish you could post it on Facebook, and desire to submit an idea to Hanes for a new commercial.
Here are a few things people might say when looking through an ipod that isn't their own:
You have all of the High School Musical albums? I thought that was an elaborate joke. |
Wait a minute, your top 5 songs alternate between Ratatat's Wildcat, Miley Cyrus' Nobody's Perfect, Coldplay's Viva La Vida, Michael Buble's Everything and T-Pain's latest? Have you by chance heard of disassociative identity disorder? | Still have the Fresh Prince rap from when you memorized it in 6th grade, eh? News flash: everyone else knows it. And yes, the same goes for "Ice Ice Baby" and "Jessie's Girl." Boyz II Men? Really? | I see that an MC Hammer song other than "Can't Touch This" is on your purchased playlist. You may as well have eaten that $1.00. |
It says here you've listened to Clay Aiken's song, "Invisible," 327 times. Wow. Let's see, if that song is 4 minutes long, according to my calculations, not only have you spent more time listening to Clay Aiken than he has been out of the closet, but you are much weirder than I initially anticipated. When I say weird, I mean it in the creepiest sense of the word. "If I were invisible, then I would just watch you in your room..." Case in point. | To all those teen angst kids: Dashboard is lying to you! She doesn't love you and she'll never call you back! | Eddie Murphy tried to be a pop star in the 80's? Awkward. | If you liked it then maybe you should have put a ring on it. Yes, this song is about a finger--not woman power. | Oh...you have a playlist full of sappy love songs named after me? | Oh, you have When You Say Nothing At All by Alison Krauss, too? K, no. | I feel awkward that you say that I'd Lie by Taylor Swift is the song you most relate to... | My Heart Will Go On and on and on and on, too. | You like jazz? What a loser! (Jazz is my favorite genre of music so back off.) | Why are you embarrassed about having all the Backstreet Boys albums? So does everyone else. And they're proud of it.
I, personally, have nothing to hide on my ipod. But to quote The Great Hammer: "can't touch this!"
Signed,
Kelsey Celeste Jones
